Musings XXII

Depression is like a theme park roller coaster.

I hate roller coasters because I get vertigo due to MS, however my life has been like going on a ride that goes from highs and the accelerates quickly down.   Interspersed are times where I revel in the feeling normal.  

I used alcohol in the past to numb the noise of incredible issues.   I have PTSD from childhood abuse and an extreme case of Gender Dysphoria. 

I know realize that bringing alcohol to the party was dangerous.   Instead of numbing me, drinking just made downward spiral worse. 

In hindsight I was dancing with the devil called Manic Depression.   I knew this was mental illness.   Gender Dysphoria is not mental illness,  rather denial and fear are the problems.

Every day I had to struggle maintaining a male facade while my mind screamed that I  am a woman.  

Today I have to live with the Roller Coaster without alcohol.   I see mixing alcohol with Gender Dysphoria and depression is just a cauldron of toxic soup. 

As I cycle down, yet again I have to seek out friends and push out the thoughts of suicide. 

God I really hate the endless roller coaster.

Musings XXI

Mirror, Mirror Who is the fairest of them all?

As a woman, I have a love hate relationship with mirrors.   I love that I finally am seeing the woman that I have always wanted to see, yet hate the mirror because I see the flaws.  I know..”welcome to the club “.

I the past before hormones and understanding what Gender Dysphoria was, looking in the mirror was excruciating.   I wanted to see a female yet I just saw an ugly male.  To be called handsome was like having a knife slash through my heart. 

No matter what I tried in trying women’s clothes or makeup, all I saw was a disgusting male. 

The mirror was my worst enemy because it assaulted what my brain was demanding.  My internal image of myself was a beautiful woman and the reflection was an ugly male. 

Gender Dysphoria is not something I wanted.  it is a condition that pushed me to the edge too many times and is somethingthat cannot be trivialized.   You do wake up one day and think it would be fun to change genders.   It can be a constant drum beat saying I have to be female.

Musings XX

Waking the tightrope of Gender Dysphoria

I know the term “walking the tightrope” has been used and what I am going to say has been discussed in so many books.

Before I transitioned I walked a maze of tightropes. The first being gender dysphoria which was the relentless message that my body was wrong. My walking this high wire had one side of falling being the total denial of being female. This results in being on another tightrope. The other side of falling of the Gender Dysphoria tightrope was accepting I am female and that took me to another high wire.

Walking the tightrope of living as a male was often done with hurricane force winds. It didn’t really matter which side I fell off, because either side led me into downward spirals of depression and suicide. All of this was fueled by alcohol. I realize that I often used alcohol not only to numb me but to completely obliterate myself. I would purposely drink to commit suicide. There were times I felt my soul wanting to peel off this body. I would curse the universe for forcing me back into that male body. I also cursed the massive hang overs and live another day in the wrong body. Trying to deny the reality of me being female was hell.

Falling off the side, where I admitted that I am female was terriying. The new tightrope was riddled with fear. Would I lose my family, would I lose my job and would I be hated by society? And the issues of looking in the mirror and see a male. I used alcohol and food to build a a wall to stop me from actually transitioning. This wall put me right back on the Gender Dysphoria tightrope and it just got worse.

I have transitioned and realize I am on a different tightrope. I will talk about this tightrope in another blog

XIX Solitary Journey

This is a solitary journey in becoming myself.
Yes friends have been with me especially one very special woman.   Sis I owe you so much. 

Maybe the title is a masking of what I feel in this time of my journey.   I say I enjoy living single and it is nice not having the politics of a relationship or roommate.   Yet I will invest myself in building a special friendship and enjoy the feeling of getting to know a special person.   I now understand how and why women hurt so much when they feel they are losing that person.  I understand why we invest so much to have special friends and when the divide begins we feel emotional loss. 

My journey has taken me from the isolating person that could never enjoy friends to a vulnerable woman that gets torn apart when a special person decides to go in a different direction.  

I  feel that I am on this journey alone again and I will reach out to my sis and others to help me. 

I  know someday someone will smile at me in a way that will remind me that I still can invest part of me into something special.  

In the past I would have obliterated myself,  now I have a special sister and other women who will understand.  

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Irritated Transgender Woman

Whitewashing Stonewall

Ronald Emmerich is releasing a movie about the Stonewall Riots.  He decided to create a fictional character as the primary person in the movie.  It is a cute gay guy from the Midwest.   We are to believe this guy is the leader of the riots.  
In reality it was transgender women of color,  drag queens and Lesbians that thew the first brick and punches at the police. 
People don’t realize that transgender women and drag queens were being arrested and beaten because it was against the law to wear women’s clothes.  Many of these people were raped. 

So to have the gritty reality whitewashed sends a message that we are second class people.

What Stonewall was about was or desire to be left alone.   It the moved into demands for equality.   Finally it became marriage equality.   Personally I don’t care about the marriage issue.  I care about end of discrimination against LGBT people in this  country.   In 32 states a transgender person can be legally fired, lose housing and other liberties because they transgender.   To me equality is more important that marriage equality.  

Society wants to have a softer more homogenized view of LGBT people.   Well guess what.   We demand equality and transgender and queer people are not always easily packaged. So in essence give us equality and then leave us the fuck alone.   I don’t want to hear questions about my genitals and don’t tell me I pass.  I am like any other transgender woman just wants to be female.  

So yes I am pissed off.   It is not fun watch Hollywood erase the role transgender women,  drag queens and Lesbians played in starting the LGBT movement.

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Musings XVIII

Silent Killer

For most of my life I have lived with depression.   I say silent killer because I don’t show it.  I learned from a young age that showing emotions was wrong.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD,  and depression.   Throw in episodes of suicidal behavior and how I hid it was amazing.

I know there is a push to bring mental health issues into the forefront.   An Emmy award winning radio new director has been instrumental.  Sheila Hamilton has written a book regarding her journey of reconciliation of the suicide of her first husband.

Weather it good or bad, this discussion has awakened dormant issues from the  past.  I dealt with abuse  (ssexual,  physical and psychological ).  I was bullied in school and told frequently I was going to hell by a Catholic priest.  I guess I  have a  bit of a case of PTSD.

Yes there are programs that are teaching people how to recognize depression and suicidal behaviors.  The problem is that no one could see it me.  A psychiatrist told me that I was the most self controlled person she ever met.  You see I erected wall after wall to contain the raging issues and walls to keep people out.

During the day I would be a professional and at night a psychotic drinker.  I often felt I was pushed into a gaping deep cavern and would start free falling.   I realized if I hit the bottom I would either be dead or want to be dead.  I  would see bottles of alcohol sticking out of the walls and I would grab them to climb out.  To me there was two choices alcohol or suicide.   I often blurred the lines between the two.   Luckily I was never into drugs.  I would not be here today.

As some who actively sought suicide,  I don’t  know if I can answer the questions of Sheila or others.  I know if you can not look into my mind when depression hits.  It probably would be too dark.

When I lived downtown I lived on the 6th floor of an apartment.   Those were some of my darkest days.  Gender Dysphoria was raging and I refused address the PTSD and depression.   I would have my apartment as dark as possible and sit on my deck pounding down Scotch.  I often would lean over the railing and want to fly away.

At those times there was only one path and that was total self annihilation.  Could someone have helped me?   I  don’t think I would have let anyone close to me to help.

if I would have flown, I either didn’t care how people would have been affected or thought no one gave a shit.

I have had lots of therapy and yes I have seen the inside of a 72 hour mental health look unit.  I have been called by a psychologist more than a few times to see if I need help.

To my friend Sheila Hamilton, yes you helped awake a dormant beast.  But I  am not going allow it become the silent killer I used to dance with.  Maybe out of sorting out the wreakage and killing my demons I can help people.

Musings XVII

Happy Mother’s day to my friends

I should think about my mother more, however I feel guilty at times because I was supposed to be her son.

There is a sadness of Mother’s day for me because I could never be a mother.  I was never to have the body that could have a baby.  When I was young I would pray to God that I would be changed into a girl magically over night.  It never happened and I would pray harder the next night.

Puberty was hell because it was set on the wrong course.  As girls were developing into women I was developing into a man. Gender Dysphoria really kicks in at this point and I had to hide the pain.  I will discuss the issues of facades’ in another entry.

I totally love living as a woman, however it has always been about the body. I have always wanted a natural female body.  I have always wanted to be a mother.  Women tell me I am lucky to never having a period.  Guess what I have always wanted all of this.  Even now I see young women and want to have a body like theirs.

In October I will be going to Thailand to have Gender Confirmation Surgery and I will be happy Mother’s day will be still tough but I will be able to look at my body and smile.

Musings XVI

Being Strong

I consider myself to be a a strong and confident woman.  I try to roll with life’s challenges.   Being a transgender woman is not easy and I have to smile even if my heart is hurting.  

I sometimes think people don’t realize is the inside of my tough chick veneer is s feeling woman.  

I think there is the proverbial elephant in the room that we try not to discuss and that is relationships.   Yes I can want someone special in my life and yet it like the elusive brass ring on a carousel, almost within reach yet so impossible to attain.  

I realize that I will need to have the Gender Confirmation Surgery before I will feel comfortable and attractive as a woman.

My experience with dating has been dismal at  best.  2 scammers, and a couple of transgender women that I thought were certifiably out there. 

I am realistic about my chances.  I know people don’t want to date transgender women.  I am not a 20 something woman, I have MS and I am a recovering alcoholic. 

The wonders of dating sites have left me pissed and discouraged.   Guys message me and I have heard it all.  I shake my head because  I say woman seeking woman.   Yet I get lots if  stupid hits.  It doesn’t take a lot of intelligence to realize that they want to have sex with a transgender woman.   This must be in their “bucket list” 

Women can be as interesting also.   The best comment I have heard from a woman is that I probably couldn’t talk with me at her level.  I guess being a regulatory economist is not good enough.

I  know the odds of me finding someone is kind of slim. 

I do know that my heart can be happy because I  am living a full life as a woman.   It can also be broken especially when a wonderful woman is just out of reach.

More to be posted.

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Musings XV

Who Would Chose to be Transgender?

We have heard the Religious Rights assertion that being Transgender is a choice.  It is like we decide that we want to change our gender on a whim.  By the way this “choice” position seems to justify there assertion that we are mentally sick.

OK here is the deal, the only choice I had was to live happily or go downhill with self hatred.  The mental health issue is not being transgender rather it is the dichotomy of the self identity and the body.  Add family and societal rejection and mental health is pushed. 

People say don’t help children that exhibit gender dysphoria.   My view is they need every avenue of care.  If they get care and acceptance they can live life with a better chance of living a healthy life. 

I know that being transgender is not easy.   Their are issue I will discuss later.

Anyone that says being transgender is a choice, ask them to chose to live as the other gender 24/7 for a year.  Ask them if the would enjoy bigotry,  anger,rejection and violence?   I bet the would decline.  Really our only choice is to live or in some cases die.

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Musings XIV

The Conundrum of labels
For the most part I just see myself as a woman.   I joke that I am female and just need some plumbing work done on me.

Now the are factions within society that will disagree.   There are the Right Wing Christians Conservatives that will say I am an abomination and most likely a pedophile.  I mean why else would I  use the women’s restroom.   Then there are the ultra radical feminists that are Transgender Exclusionary Radical Feminists  (TERFS) who think transgender women promote the rape culture and are men in dresses. 

I have tried to engage in rational discourse with both groups and it is more fulfilling having a  conversation with a brick wall.   Bring science or biology to the discussion is futile.  My error is assuming these people have a bare bones understanding of science. 

Our society loves labels and acronyms and this is true in describing people.   there is a brewing controversy over the term “Cis”.  This term mean “not transgender” 

In a perfect world people would those of us that are Transgender would be be seen as either women or men.  There is a little issue and that is less than 10% of Americans know a transgender person.  So the rest are influenced by what they hear or see. 

People that know me see me as a woman.   Those that don’t may label me as transgender.  

I have written about the issues of “Papers Please” and people don’t know what that type os social construct means to us. 

In a perfect world those that believe in civil rights would rise up against the conservatives and say NO!!!

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