Author Archives: kristimac2015

About kristimac2015

I am an unapologetic transgender woman who is a Progressive Christian who thinks God is female


Watching waves eat away an intricate sand castle is what depression feels like.

I never felt I could feel the pain of what a woman feels when her heart is broken by someone she has in her life.

I have worked so hard to rebuild my life and happiness and it has become a beautiful life.  Depression comes in as the stealthy thief and erodes a bit here and there.  It is like two steps forward and then I feel like I have to watch the progress erased. 

At times I wonder if I have made any progress because I dive down to find the sand castle being eroded.  I in vision something that I have lovingly built only to have it taken away.

Yes I understand I have to let the other person live her life as I live mine.  It is just when the other pulls away suddenly,  it feel like the tide is rushing in to erode away what was built and the emptiness is quickly filled with depression.  

Maybe I shouldn’t care so deeply for someone,  however I don’t want to turn into a callous woman.

Being a tough chick means having a vulnerable heart.



The costs of being a transgender woman can be overwhelming at times.

Christmas is upon us and I will be without my family as usual.  My adopted daughter has not talked with me for 10 years and my brother and sisters have rejected me because I am a woman. 

Yes it can be difficult when I hear all the plans my co-workers have.  They will be having family celebrations and I am happy for them. 

For many of us who are transgender, there are no family celebrations.  We lament our losses and for many just hope this time of year passes quickly.

I have described my life is sometimes like living on an island far away from people.   At times this OK because when I in that manic chaos state I really don’t want to be around people.  

Yes I miss family celebrations of Christmas, especially with my daughter.  I am sure she will have plans and I am happy for her.  Maybe one of these days she will contact me.

What I know is that at this time of year I need to be thankful for friends and the courage to live an authentic life.  Was being rejected by family too much.  In my depressed mind I may think yes it is too much.  I have to see that my being a woman is more important, because it has stopped the Gender Dysphoria.  

So I have given myself a gift that is too precious. 

Merry Christmas to all of you and to myself.

Tearing the Fabric

I am Bipolar and my condition is the one where I have short and sharp cycles. In the clinical terminology it is called Dysphoric Mania.

Recently I took back a leather jacket to Nordstrom because a tear developed by the pocket. In this case the problem was fixed and I got a new jacket.

So what happens when the fabric I call my mind starts to tear? What happens when I am in the shackles of hypomania and my mind is in chaos? In this state I detest fast music and bright lights.  My mind can process everything at breakneck speeds yet focus on nothing. My psychiatrist ask me when I am in the realm of hypomania do I get dark thoughts, aka do I have suicidal thoughts. I responded that if I do they are quickly replaced with another thought.

For people who can never understand this torment, I ask if they ever had a coffee high that makes them jittery. I tell them that multiply this by 100 and add chaos in their thoughts. One of my symptoms is that I want to isolate and be away from people. Their every word or movement is like an attack on my mind.

When the hypomania subsides, I crash into depression and my life goes from high speed to that of walking through sand. There is no happiness and dark thoughts of suicide enter my thinking.

Life becomes sheer hell when depression weaves itself into the chaos, I feel like the fabric of my whole being is being torn apart. Thoughts of suicide become the only thought that will occupy my mind and if I am lucky I will send out a text to a close knit group of friends. This is my cry for help.  The last episode resulted in my going to the hospital.

My cycles last no more than 24 hours and then life returns to kind of normal. The result of this is I feel exhausted as if I had the most rigorous workout. My life is like the ripples on the water after a stone is thrown into it. There are fleeting moments of happiness; however depression is the main feeling. Over time the depression fades like the ripples and I wonder when the next cycle will descend on me and I go through the extreme chaos and then the depths of depression.

So I know I can’t take back this brain and get a new one like I did with my leather coat. So how do I piece the ripped up fabric of myself back together? Will the torn fabric be noticeable and will it make me less of a person?

Friends tell me I am a very tough chick because I have survived lots of shit and show a confident  woman. What I don’t show is the damaged fabric of me. I am so used to putting on the look good presentation, and I know if I show the real me, the walls of stigma will be everywhere. Society doesn’t like to see a woman who is being torn apart within. The choice to show or not show the turmoil can almost be as bad as having the turmoil. You want to reach out for help, yet to do so will alienate people.

I have to believe that if today I survive the Roller Coaster ride, I may enjoy tomorrow

Musings XXXI

Holidays mean so much to people.  It is the time of year where families get together for meals and festivities.  

For me it is evolving into a time where I try to not think about my family.   They have made it clear that I am no longer welcome.  Being transgender is something that doesn’t comports with their religious beliefs. 

So blood family is not exactly on my social agenda. 

I am an adult and I can find other alternatives for how I spend my holidays.   Though it may be sad, I have a nice apartment, food and amenities.  

What saddens me is the life of young transgender people.   Those who are rejected can be filled with depression, violence and loneliness.   They don’t have the resources that I have. 

When I was young and knew I should have been a girl, I faced walls of rejection.   I learned though trauma that building a male facade was my only option for survival.  

As I look at this holiday season I have to understand the consequences of being true to myself.   It means that I  am going to probably be alone again.  

Maybe I will decorate my tree and put out Christmas lights. 

I may be alone and a  bit lonely,  however nothing like the youth that face the violent walls.   In so many ways I cringe because I so understand their pain.

As you celebrate holidays with family take time to think about the homeless LGBT youth that have been thrown away. 

Head Bowed

My head is bowed in sadness because today is Transgender Day of Remembrance.

As with past years, I am not going to events.  Not because I don’t want to honor the brothers and sisters who were murdered,  rather I don’t want to hear people make self grandizing speeches.  I don’t want to hear people who are not pushing issues say we must do more.  I don’t want to go to an event and have a Transgender celebrity talk because the don’t have to face the poverty and violence so many Transgender people face.

No this is a sacred day for me.  My heart is weeping for the men and women who lives were snuffed out because the were being true to themselves.

Let the celebs and politicians say how much they are doing.  My view is today is a solemn day.

Living with Facades

Living out Loud and Drowning in the Mental Storm

I don’t want the world to see me

  Cause I don’t think they’d understand

 When everything is made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am.”  Goo Goo Dolls Iris

Most of the time I don’t want people to see who I am inside. I am the type of person that can put on a mask that will hide my inner self from people.  I learned how to do this as a child.  I knew I should have been a girl at a very young age; however my parents did everything possible to squash this and make me show I was male.  To survive I learned how to portray a very macho male and toughened myself to with stand any scrutiny.  In many ways I let the television shows I watched as a child mold my view of who I had to be and hid who I was.

I did what most victims of childhood abuse did and that was hide it behind walls and bury the issues deep within. I denied the abuse to myself and suffered the consequences.  I didn’t know that trauma was one of the main instigators of mental illness.  I didn’t know that burying the gender dysphoria would cause so many problems.  When I was young there were no computers with Google or research into what Gender Dysphoria was.  At that time the world of medicine and psychology branded Gender Dysphoria as a mental illness.

I grew up in a middle class world where families worked to look “normal” and issues were hidden. No one wanted to have a family member be labeled as LGBT.  So my parents did everything to make me male.  This included physical and psychological abuse.  I was bullied in school and got that special treatment from a Priest.  So hiding the gender dysphoria became an activity of survival.  To survive I had to be the uber male and never show femininity.  I had to participate in male dominated sports and be aggressive.  In many ways the aggressive activities in sports was an outlet to the rage and anger within.

I hid the real me in my academic pursuits, focusing on math, science, history and the world of literature. Everything had to be filtered through a façade that showed I was male.  Everything had to be refined to show that there was no turmoil brewing under this façade.  I found that if I had the effects of hypo mania brewing, I would go for a long run or bicycle ride.  If I felt the grips of depression descending on me I would hide it and say I was tired from studying or athletics.  Everything within had to be walled in so that no one could see the real me.   I somehow was embracing that middle class mentality of looking normal and keeping the dirty little secrets within.

Even now when chaos or depression is raging within me I will put on a facade that shows me to be an outgoing person. I will dress very well and carry myself as a confident woman. At times I will let some of my close friends know what is going or cover it up with humorous sarcasm. In private I will be overly impatient while driving. I may not give a fuck if I clean my kitchen or go through the mail. People rarely see what I hide because for the most part I isolate myself most of the time. I often feel like I am on an island and for the most part this feels safe.  However when crisis arises I curse being isolated because it is so lonely.  To the outside world I never show people that I am drowning and that fragile boat I am in is breaking up.

Recently I had an extreme bipolar crisis and for the first time I ask a close group of women for help. I was crashing into manic suicidal thoughts and anything outside of me was accentuated and I felt like I was being bombarded with extreme noise.  All I wanted to do was to die so the noise would stop.

Maybe I am finally trying to pull down some of the facades and seek reality

What I want people to know is that I do care for them and want them to see me as a human being that has so much to offer. Hopefully I will get to the point where I want the world to see the real me and understand.


Musings XXX

This is my Political Rant about Houston Equal Rights Vote.  Liberals Let the a small vocal group set the agenda and argument yet again

The Failure of HERO in many ways is due to the inability of the proponents to wage a descent campaign.  First they didn’t have the grass roots effort to get the vote out and we all know that in small elections the conservatives are able to get out the vote better than the liberals.

Countering the lies and deception of the Religious Right was pathetic in so many ways.  First, having a hard core media blitz countering the “Predator” argument was not waged.  Second, the proponents didn’t do a simple thing.  That is to have working transgender people make a case as to why the “Bathroom” issue was idiocy.

I am a successful Transgender Woman that works for the US Government and I pay taxes, go out to dinner and live my life as a confident woman. So when the religious right goes out and tries to villainize transgender people, people like me were never put out thee to show that we are really just normal people that live among the population.

The visual people had were perverts that cross dress and lurk in women’s bathrooms ready to pounce on unsuspecting women and children.  They didn’t see people like me using women’s restrooms and just blending in with other women.

One of the successful operations of the effort to gain marriage equality was to show people that gay and lesbian people are just normal people who love their spouses.  Why not use the same tactic with transgender people.

Yes we are having greater visibility with Caitlyn Jenner, Jenny Boylan, Janet Mock, and Laverne Cox, however there are so many of us that are invisible to the public.  Part of this is because we just want to blend in and be part of society.

I am lucky in that I work at a place where I could transition on the job and continue working.  I have acceptance with my co-workers and people just accept me as a woman.  I know this is not the norm and we have to change laws so transgender people do not face unemployment because of who they are.

What is evident is that the 61% of the voters in Houston did not have an alternative view of transgender women.  The either see the celebrities or the visualization provided by right wing Christian Conservatives.  The easiest way to dispel the hate speech is to show that transgender women are just women and we are not out to change the agenda or create controversy.

There is lots of post-election analysis and some people are saying that having transgender people part of HERO was a bad ideal.  What I say is that the proponents didn’t go out and get all the affected groups mobilized to counter the BS arguments.  They didn’t go out to show that LGBT people can and will make society better.

Instead of being defensive, we should use the same tactics that the opponents used.  We need to take the argument back and show the voters that Equal Rights is not going to break apart the fabric of society.  We need to show people that we are their neighbors, co-workers, family and friends.

We can vilianize the lies of the Religious Right, however if we do not stand up to the lies and show the voters reality with the same effort, we will lose.

We let the religious Right define the message of the election and didn’t give the voters a real view of transgender men and women that are working people in society.  It is time we use the same tactics we used to bring about marriage equality in our efforts to Equal Rights Campaigns.