I danced too close to the flames
“Why did you have to be consumed?
Don’t you understand there is no reason to the question of Why
“Your dancing is so selfish”
There was nothing but the flames and I had no choice
“You hurt so many people, didn’t you care?”
People who survive the suicidal death of a loved one have so many questions as to why the person committed suicide and often feel they will never know the answers. They want to lash out at the person because they left wreckage behind and they often feel the person was selfish.
What can I say about why I have danced with suicide all my life other than it has been with me for a very long time. In my sections on “Dancing with Suicide I tried to explain the causes of my thoughts.
Religious people will tell you that suicide will result in a one way ticket to hell and my response is that a Dysphoric Mnania
Bipolar episode is living hell. When I am in a full blown cycle life is pure chaos. I get complete agitated depression and suicide invades my mind. It is pure noise and all I want to do is shut off the fucking noise. If you say God will not accept me into heaven. I then ask God why I had to deal with the living hell?
People will say I am selfish because I committed suicide. What survivors don’t realize is that there is no hope in my mind and maybe It is selfish to commit suicide, however is it selfish to just want the noise to stop? You may say I should have taken my medications and checked myself into the hospital. Well I do take my meds, however my bipolar disorder sometimes breaks through and the hell begins. If I am lucky or feel the episode starting, I may contact friends and they will try to convince me to go to the hospital. I also ask why did you wait for me to kill myself to show you cared or feel you can make comments. If you had been part of my life you may have me with you today.
Survivors will say I created wreckage when I committed suicide. If you look carefully you would see my life was a stream of wreckage. People would avoid me because of my depression or irrational behavior when I was having episodes of hypomania. My finances were messed up, and I would go on impulsive shopping trips. You may say you are at the point of leaving me because of my behaviors. So let’s get real I was creating wreckage while I was alive. You have to understand that the consequences of the wreckage were pressing down on me like a ton of bricks and my depression was triggered. Also my hypomania was triggered because I try to figure out a path out of the wreckage.
Survivors will say that I have so much to live for and life can be better. My response is that if you tell me this when I am suicidal, you will just make me angry because you don’t have a fucking clue as to what I am experiencing. When I am in the grips of suicidal thoughts or in the hell of a Dysphoric Mania cycle there is no thoughts about what my life can be in the future. All I can think about is shutting off the chaos and noise. In my last cycle I was chain smoking and pacing back and forth with the only thoughts being suicide. So there are no thoughts about how life can be better. I see your comments as something you seem to want, When I am in a pit of darkness the best I can do is claw my way out of this chaos that surrounds me. The only hope I can feel is that I will be free of the chaotic noise
Survivors will say I don’t care about loved ones and how I have hurt them. You may think this is callous, however when I am in a Dysphoric Mania cycle and very suicidal, I really don’t care about other people and if I am hurting them with suicide. You have to understand that I may think you will be better off if I am dead. You have to understand that I am in a world of pure hell. Ask yourself what you did when I was creating wreckage and did you want to escape me.
The answer to the question of WHY, is simple. There is no “rational” thinking in my mind. I just wanted to escape the noise.