Monthly Archives: December 2015

XXXIII

The costs of being a transgender woman can be overwhelming at times.

Christmas is upon us and I will be without my family as usual.  My adopted daughter has not talked with me for 10 years and my brother and sisters have rejected me because I am a woman. 

Yes it can be difficult when I hear all the plans my co-workers have.  They will be having family celebrations and I am happy for them. 

For many of us who are transgender, there are no family celebrations.  We lament our losses and for many just hope this time of year passes quickly.

I have described my life is sometimes like living on an island far away from people.   At times this OK because when I in that manic chaos state I really don’t want to be around people.  

Yes I miss family celebrations of Christmas, especially with my daughter.  I am sure she will have plans and I am happy for her.  Maybe one of these days she will contact me.

What I know is that at this time of year I need to be thankful for friends and the courage to live an authentic life.  Was being rejected by family too much.  In my depressed mind I may think yes it is too much.  I have to see that my being a woman is more important, because it has stopped the Gender Dysphoria.  

So I have given myself a gift that is too precious. 

Merry Christmas to all of you and to myself.

Tearing the Fabric

I am Bipolar and my condition is the one where I have short and sharp cycles. In the clinical terminology it is called Dysphoric Mania.

Recently I took back a leather jacket to Nordstrom because a tear developed by the pocket. In this case the problem was fixed and I got a new jacket.

So what happens when the fabric I call my mind starts to tear? What happens when I am in the shackles of hypomania and my mind is in chaos? In this state I detest fast music and bright lights.  My mind can process everything at breakneck speeds yet focus on nothing. My psychiatrist ask me when I am in the realm of hypomania do I get dark thoughts, aka do I have suicidal thoughts. I responded that if I do they are quickly replaced with another thought.

For people who can never understand this torment, I ask if they ever had a coffee high that makes them jittery. I tell them that multiply this by 100 and add chaos in their thoughts. One of my symptoms is that I want to isolate and be away from people. Their every word or movement is like an attack on my mind.

When the hypomania subsides, I crash into depression and my life goes from high speed to that of walking through sand. There is no happiness and dark thoughts of suicide enter my thinking.

Life becomes sheer hell when depression weaves itself into the chaos, I feel like the fabric of my whole being is being torn apart. Thoughts of suicide become the only thought that will occupy my mind and if I am lucky I will send out a text to a close knit group of friends. This is my cry for help.  The last episode resulted in my going to the hospital.

My cycles last no more than 24 hours and then life returns to kind of normal. The result of this is I feel exhausted as if I had the most rigorous workout. My life is like the ripples on the water after a stone is thrown into it. There are fleeting moments of happiness; however depression is the main feeling. Over time the depression fades like the ripples and I wonder when the next cycle will descend on me and I go through the extreme chaos and then the depths of depression.

So I know I can’t take back this brain and get a new one like I did with my leather coat. So how do I piece the ripped up fabric of myself back together? Will the torn fabric be noticeable and will it make me less of a person?

Friends tell me I am a very tough chick because I have survived lots of shit and show a confident  woman. What I don’t show is the damaged fabric of me. I am so used to putting on the look good presentation, and I know if I show the real me, the walls of stigma will be everywhere. Society doesn’t like to see a woman who is being torn apart within. The choice to show or not show the turmoil can almost be as bad as having the turmoil. You want to reach out for help, yet to do so will alienate people.

I have to believe that if today I survive the Roller Coaster ride, I may enjoy tomorrow