Musings XXVI


There are days I just want scream at this entity called God.  I want to look at Her and say stop fing with me!  I am losing my sense of humor with the crap you have heaped on me.

I didn’t ask to have Multiple Sclerosis
I didn’t ask to have an abusive childhood. 
I didn’t ask to be transgender.
I didn’t ask to be Bipolar.

No I shouldn’t have started drinking, however I had this noise from Gender Dysphoria and anger from the abuse.  I wonder how many people would have dealt with these issues without alcohol.   I look back and can see the beginnings of my Bipolar issues early in my adult life. 

I know I can come up with altruistic ideas as to how to gracefully deal with all of these issues.   I can say “maybe I can help others deal with their issues.”  I hope that is true.

Maybe my Bipolar condition is making me pissed off, but I just want to scream.   I don’t want to be graceful and strong today.  I want to be angry and say to people that give me disapproving looks.  I also want to crawl in bed and cry.

Yes I am a confident tough chick that tries to gracefully deal with my issues.  I give an impression that I can handle this by myself and most days I can.  There are times I just want to be held by that special person who will tell me “It will be ok”.    But I realize I am a transgender woman who has MS, is a recovering alcoholic and is Bipolar.   I think I have a better chance of winning a huge lottery than having that special person. 

Yes this is a rant and I will go out and people will see the graceful tough chick and never see the vulnerability lurking under the surface.


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