There are days I just want scream at this entity called God. I want to look at Her and say stop fing with me! I am losing my sense of humor with the crap you have heaped on me.
I didn’t ask to have Multiple Sclerosis
I didn’t ask to have an abusive childhood.
I didn’t ask to be transgender.
I didn’t ask to be Bipolar.
No I shouldn’t have started drinking, however I had this noise from Gender Dysphoria and anger from the abuse. I wonder how many people would have dealt with these issues without alcohol. I look back and can see the beginnings of my Bipolar issues early in my adult life.
I know I can come up with altruistic ideas as to how to gracefully deal with all of these issues. I can say “maybe I can help others deal with their issues.” I hope that is true.
Maybe my Bipolar condition is making me pissed off, but I just want to scream. I don’t want to be graceful and strong today. I want to be angry and say f..off to people that give me disapproving looks. I also want to crawl in bed and cry.
Yes I am a confident tough chick that tries to gracefully deal with my issues. I give an impression that I can handle this by myself and most days I can. There are times I just want to be held by that special person who will tell me “It will be ok”. But I realize I am a transgender woman who has MS, is a recovering alcoholic and is Bipolar. I think I have a better chance of winning a huge lottery than having that special person.
Yes this is a rant and I will go out and people will see the graceful tough chick and never see the vulnerability lurking under the surface.