Musings XXII

Depression is like a theme park roller coaster.

I hate roller coasters because I get vertigo due to MS, however my life has been like going on a ride that goes from highs and the accelerates quickly down.   Interspersed are times where I revel in the feeling normal.  

I used alcohol in the past to numb the noise of incredible issues.   I have PTSD from childhood abuse and an extreme case of Gender Dysphoria. 

I know realize that bringing alcohol to the party was dangerous.   Instead of numbing me, drinking just made downward spiral worse. 

In hindsight I was dancing with the devil called Manic Depression.   I knew this was mental illness.   Gender Dysphoria is not mental illness,  rather denial and fear are the problems.

Every day I had to struggle maintaining a male facade while my mind screamed that I  am a woman.  

Today I have to live with the Roller Coaster without alcohol.   I see mixing alcohol with Gender Dysphoria and depression is just a cauldron of toxic soup. 

As I cycle down, yet again I have to seek out friends and push out the thoughts of suicide. 

God I really hate the endless roller coaster.


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