Depression is like a theme park roller coaster.
I hate roller coasters because I get vertigo due to MS, however my life has been like going on a ride that goes from highs and the accelerates quickly down. Interspersed are times where I revel in the feeling normal.
I used alcohol in the past to numb the noise of incredible issues. I have PTSD from childhood abuse and an extreme case of Gender Dysphoria.
I know realize that bringing alcohol to the party was dangerous. Instead of numbing me, drinking just made downward spiral worse.
In hindsight I was dancing with the devil called Manic Depression. I knew this was mental illness. Gender Dysphoria is not mental illness, rather denial and fear are the problems.
Every day I had to struggle maintaining a male facade while my mind screamed that I am a woman.
Today I have to live with the Roller Coaster without alcohol. I see mixing alcohol with Gender Dysphoria and depression is just a cauldron of toxic soup.
As I cycle down, yet again I have to seek out friends and push out the thoughts of suicide.
God I really hate the endless roller coaster.