Musings XX

Waking the tightrope of Gender Dysphoria

I know the term “walking the tightrope” has been used and what I am going to say has been discussed in so many books.

Before I transitioned I walked a maze of tightropes. The first being gender dysphoria which was the relentless message that my body was wrong. My walking this high wire had one side of falling being the total denial of being female. This results in being on another tightrope. The other side of falling of the Gender Dysphoria tightrope was accepting I am female and that took me to another high wire.

Walking the tightrope of living as a male was often done with hurricane force winds. It didn’t really matter which side I fell off, because either side led me into downward spirals of depression and suicide. All of this was fueled by alcohol. I realize that I often used alcohol not only to numb me but to completely obliterate myself. I would purposely drink to commit suicide. There were times I felt my soul wanting to peel off this body. I would curse the universe for forcing me back into that male body. I also cursed the massive hang overs and live another day in the wrong body. Trying to deny the reality of me being female was hell.

Falling off the side, where I admitted that I am female was terriying. The new tightrope was riddled with fear. Would I lose my family, would I lose my job and would I be hated by society? And the issues of looking in the mirror and see a male. I used alcohol and food to build a a wall to stop me from actually transitioning. This wall put me right back on the Gender Dysphoria tightrope and it just got worse.

I have transitioned and realize I am on a different tightrope. I will talk about this tightrope in another blog

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