Monthly Archives: September 2015

Musings XXII

Depression is like a theme park roller coaster.

I hate roller coasters because I get vertigo due to MS, however my life has been like going on a ride that goes from highs and the accelerates quickly down.   Interspersed are times where I revel in the feeling normal.  

I used alcohol in the past to numb the noise of incredible issues.   I have PTSD from childhood abuse and an extreme case of Gender Dysphoria. 

I know realize that bringing alcohol to the party was dangerous.   Instead of numbing me, drinking just made downward spiral worse. 

In hindsight I was dancing with the devil called Manic Depression.   I knew this was mental illness.   Gender Dysphoria is not mental illness,  rather denial and fear are the problems.

Every day I had to struggle maintaining a male facade while my mind screamed that I  am a woman.  

Today I have to live with the Roller Coaster without alcohol.   I see mixing alcohol with Gender Dysphoria and depression is just a cauldron of toxic soup. 

As I cycle down, yet again I have to seek out friends and push out the thoughts of suicide. 

God I really hate the endless roller coaster.

Musings XXI

Mirror, Mirror Who is the fairest of them all?

As a woman, I have a love hate relationship with mirrors.   I love that I finally am seeing the woman that I have always wanted to see, yet hate the mirror because I see the flaws.  I know..”welcome to the club “.

I the past before hormones and understanding what Gender Dysphoria was, looking in the mirror was excruciating.   I wanted to see a female yet I just saw an ugly male.  To be called handsome was like having a knife slash through my heart. 

No matter what I tried in trying women’s clothes or makeup, all I saw was a disgusting male. 

The mirror was my worst enemy because it assaulted what my brain was demanding.  My internal image of myself was a beautiful woman and the reflection was an ugly male. 

Gender Dysphoria is not something I wanted.  it is a condition that pushed me to the edge too many times and is somethingthat cannot be trivialized.   You do wake up one day and think it would be fun to change genders.   It can be a constant drum beat saying I have to be female.

Musings XX

Waking the tightrope of Gender Dysphoria

I know the term “walking the tightrope” has been used and what I am going to say has been discussed in so many books.

Before I transitioned I walked a maze of tightropes. The first being gender dysphoria which was the relentless message that my body was wrong. My walking this high wire had one side of falling being the total denial of being female. This results in being on another tightrope. The other side of falling of the Gender Dysphoria tightrope was accepting I am female and that took me to another high wire.

Walking the tightrope of living as a male was often done with hurricane force winds. It didn’t really matter which side I fell off, because either side led me into downward spirals of depression and suicide. All of this was fueled by alcohol. I realize that I often used alcohol not only to numb me but to completely obliterate myself. I would purposely drink to commit suicide. There were times I felt my soul wanting to peel off this body. I would curse the universe for forcing me back into that male body. I also cursed the massive hang overs and live another day in the wrong body. Trying to deny the reality of me being female was hell.

Falling off the side, where I admitted that I am female was terriying. The new tightrope was riddled with fear. Would I lose my family, would I lose my job and would I be hated by society? And the issues of looking in the mirror and see a male. I used alcohol and food to build a a wall to stop me from actually transitioning. This wall put me right back on the Gender Dysphoria tightrope and it just got worse.

I have transitioned and realize I am on a different tightrope. I will talk about this tightrope in another blog