For most of my life I have lived with depression. I say silent killer because I don’t show it. I learned from a young age that showing emotions was wrong. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, and depression. Throw in episodes of suicidal behavior and how I hid it was amazing.
I know there is a push to bring mental health issues into the forefront. An Emmy award winning radio new director has been instrumental. Sheila Hamilton has written a book regarding her journey of reconciliation of the suicide of her first husband.
Weather it good or bad, this discussion has awakened dormant issues from the past. I dealt with abuse (ssexual, physical and psychological ). I was bullied in school and told frequently I was going to hell by a Catholic priest. I guess I have a bit of a case of PTSD.
Yes there are programs that are teaching people how to recognize depression and suicidal behaviors. The problem is that no one could see it me. A psychiatrist told me that I was the most self controlled person she ever met. You see I erected wall after wall to contain the raging issues and walls to keep people out.
During the day I would be a professional and at night a psychotic drinker. I often felt I was pushed into a gaping deep cavern and would start free falling. I realized if I hit the bottom I would either be dead or want to be dead. I would see bottles of alcohol sticking out of the walls and I would grab them to climb out. To me there was two choices alcohol or suicide. I often blurred the lines between the two. Luckily I was never into drugs. I would not be here today.
As some who actively sought suicide, I don’t know if I can answer the questions of Sheila or others. I know if you can not look into my mind when depression hits. It probably would be too dark.
When I lived downtown I lived on the 6th floor of an apartment. Those were some of my darkest days. Gender Dysphoria was raging and I refused address the PTSD and depression. I would have my apartment as dark as possible and sit on my deck pounding down Scotch. I often would lean over the railing and want to fly away.
At those times there was only one path and that was total self annihilation. Could someone have helped me? I don’t think I would have let anyone close to me to help.
if I would have flown, I either didn’t care how people would have been affected or thought no one gave a shit.
I have had lots of therapy and yes I have seen the inside of a 72 hour mental health look unit. I have been called by a psychologist more than a few times to see if I need help.
To my friend Sheila Hamilton, yes you helped awake a dormant beast. But I am not going allow it become the silent killer I used to dance with. Maybe out of sorting out the wreakage and killing my demons I can help people.