Monthly Archives: May 2015

Musings XVIII

Silent Killer

For most of my life I have lived with depression.   I say silent killer because I don’t show it.  I learned from a young age that showing emotions was wrong.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD,  and depression.   Throw in episodes of suicidal behavior and how I hid it was amazing.

I know there is a push to bring mental health issues into the forefront.   An Emmy award winning radio new director has been instrumental.  Sheila Hamilton has written a book regarding her journey of reconciliation of the suicide of her first husband.

Weather it good or bad, this discussion has awakened dormant issues from the  past.  I dealt with abuse  (ssexual,  physical and psychological ).  I was bullied in school and told frequently I was going to hell by a Catholic priest.  I guess I  have a  bit of a case of PTSD.

Yes there are programs that are teaching people how to recognize depression and suicidal behaviors.  The problem is that no one could see it me.  A psychiatrist told me that I was the most self controlled person she ever met.  You see I erected wall after wall to contain the raging issues and walls to keep people out.

During the day I would be a professional and at night a psychotic drinker.  I often felt I was pushed into a gaping deep cavern and would start free falling.   I realized if I hit the bottom I would either be dead or want to be dead.  I  would see bottles of alcohol sticking out of the walls and I would grab them to climb out.  To me there was two choices alcohol or suicide.   I often blurred the lines between the two.   Luckily I was never into drugs.  I would not be here today.

As some who actively sought suicide,  I don’t  know if I can answer the questions of Sheila or others.  I know if you can not look into my mind when depression hits.  It probably would be too dark.

When I lived downtown I lived on the 6th floor of an apartment.   Those were some of my darkest days.  Gender Dysphoria was raging and I refused address the PTSD and depression.   I would have my apartment as dark as possible and sit on my deck pounding down Scotch.  I often would lean over the railing and want to fly away.

At those times there was only one path and that was total self annihilation.  Could someone have helped me?   I  don’t think I would have let anyone close to me to help.

if I would have flown, I either didn’t care how people would have been affected or thought no one gave a shit.

I have had lots of therapy and yes I have seen the inside of a 72 hour mental health look unit.  I have been called by a psychologist more than a few times to see if I need help.

To my friend Sheila Hamilton, yes you helped awake a dormant beast.  But I  am not going allow it become the silent killer I used to dance with.  Maybe out of sorting out the wreakage and killing my demons I can help people.

Musings XVII

Happy Mother’s day to my friends

I should think about my mother more, however I feel guilty at times because I was supposed to be her son.

There is a sadness of Mother’s day for me because I could never be a mother.  I was never to have the body that could have a baby.  When I was young I would pray to God that I would be changed into a girl magically over night.  It never happened and I would pray harder the next night.

Puberty was hell because it was set on the wrong course.  As girls were developing into women I was developing into a man. Gender Dysphoria really kicks in at this point and I had to hide the pain.  I will discuss the issues of facades’ in another entry.

I totally love living as a woman, however it has always been about the body. I have always wanted a natural female body.  I have always wanted to be a mother.  Women tell me I am lucky to never having a period.  Guess what I have always wanted all of this.  Even now I see young women and want to have a body like theirs.

In October I will be going to Thailand to have Gender Confirmation Surgery and I will be happy Mother’s day will be still tough but I will be able to look at my body and smile.

Musings XVI

Being Strong

I consider myself to be a a strong and confident woman.  I try to roll with life’s challenges.   Being a transgender woman is not easy and I have to smile even if my heart is hurting.  

I sometimes think people don’t realize is the inside of my tough chick veneer is s feeling woman.  

I think there is the proverbial elephant in the room that we try not to discuss and that is relationships.   Yes I can want someone special in my life and yet it like the elusive brass ring on a carousel, almost within reach yet so impossible to attain.  

I realize that I will need to have the Gender Confirmation Surgery before I will feel comfortable and attractive as a woman.

My experience with dating has been dismal at  best.  2 scammers, and a couple of transgender women that I thought were certifiably out there. 

I am realistic about my chances.  I know people don’t want to date transgender women.  I am not a 20 something woman, I have MS and I am a recovering alcoholic. 

The wonders of dating sites have left me pissed and discouraged.   Guys message me and I have heard it all.  I shake my head because  I say woman seeking woman.   Yet I get lots if  stupid hits.  It doesn’t take a lot of intelligence to realize that they want to have sex with a transgender woman.   This must be in their “bucket list” 

Women can be as interesting also.   The best comment I have heard from a woman is that I probably couldn’t talk with me at her level.  I guess being a regulatory economist is not good enough.

I  know the odds of me finding someone is kind of slim. 

I do know that my heart can be happy because I  am living a full life as a woman.   It can also be broken especially when a wonderful woman is just out of reach.

More to be posted.

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